"Thank you, Madame," I said and for some reason half-managed a curtsey aswell. I turned and wiggled away, my feminine walk now perfected afterhaving spent several hours in this outfit. And this time there was nomistaking the comments coming from the table."She is lovely!" You've so got to book her for that drinks party you were planning," Do you think?" Definitely," they chorused in giggles of laughter."OK," I heard Helen say as I reached the door, "let me see what I cando".I walked through the door and was making my way across the foyer when Iheard Helen's voice shout me from behind."Lucy," she asked, "do you have a minute?"I turned and saw Helen just by the doorway to the Orangery."Could I just have a quick chat with you in here," she gestured towardsa meeting room across the hallway from the Orangery"Certainly Madame," I responded and stepped into the room. She closedthe door behind her."So.....?" she asked with eyebrows raised. "How's it going?"I looked her in the eyes,. I don’t like loud noises. Loud noises echo inside my head and won’t stop. Sometimes the noises are voices, sometimes they are just noise. Sometimes I just have to scream until the noise goes away. My own screaming doesn’t count as noise inside my head, maybe because I know it’s something I control. I don’t know what it is that makes me be like that, I just am because I am.Sometimes my brother yells at me, “Shut up. Shut the fuck up! Bitch.” I just scream longer and louder. I am not ‘Bitch’, I am Susan. It is worse if he wraps his arms around me and holds me down. That just makes me keep screaming, louder and longer. I try to scratch or hit or push him away. I kick and buck and twist. But Thomas is strong, almost as strong as Dad. But Dad doesn’t hold me like that unless I am breaking things or hurting myself. Thomas can be mean.This morning my head was exploding with voices. That happens a lot. I don’t remember now what the voices were saying. It wouldn’t have mattered. I just.
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